i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…