Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Free him
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.