I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste