You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
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[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.