I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes