Thanks to a fan for this one!
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: