PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
birds and squirrels envy us
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.