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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.