Well well well…
You Might Also Like
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please