Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
You Might Also Like
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”