Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.