Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Got ya covered
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.