With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!