[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?