Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?