Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
What kind of a cult is this?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I hate everything
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet