if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
my dad has had enough
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I am, perchance
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.