“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
What about second breakfast?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people