[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Can Happiness buy money?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?