Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The news in a nutshell.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.