Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?