Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You Might Also Like
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.