I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
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I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Golf would be better with landmines.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?