[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking