Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend