*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
You Might Also Like
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
oh shit
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.