I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.