[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”