My ideal weight is five million dollars
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
This will never not be funny to me.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.