God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You Might Also Like
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
wut hotdog?
when revenge coincides with naptime
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE