A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pok茅mon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I don鈥檛 know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Skills
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I鈥檓 not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
me: who鈥檚 ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.馃檭
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don鈥檛 chill. That鈥檚 how people end up with chill-dren!
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.