Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
You Might Also Like
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
So that’s what we looked like?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Worst perfume name ever.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one