°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
You Might Also Like
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change