selena gomez
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Need this in my life lol
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
But wait…
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.