Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Note to self: always read the final line
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Fries, not lies.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”