guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here