My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.