*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency