If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
We like the way Dwight thinks
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.