Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Don’t tell me what to do
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
did it work
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance