Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.