Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.