the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?