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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”