Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
#damn
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
There is no “we” in pizza
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.