Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes