I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.