Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.