some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.