If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince